2011 - Into The Unknown

Doctors have given me many suspected diagnosis’ for my condition, this year. We’re still not sure which, if any, are the right ones but they’ve all had one word in common. TRAUMA! One doctor suspects CPTSD (Complicated post traumatic stress disorder), which I’d never heard of. In talking to people about this, it became clear to me that many people believe that you have to have served in the forces to have PTSD or CPTSD. I used to think the same thing, but that’s not the case at all. Trauma is trauma and it can happen to anyone, through many different scenarios. Another doctor suspects autistic burnout, even though I’ve never been diagnosed, or even tested for autism. I was shocked when he told me this, but if it turns out that I am autistic, I don’t think I’d be surprised, nor would anyone who knows me well. I’ve always had friends and family telling me that I’m autistic for one reason or another, mostly because of how I hug people that I’ve only just met, struggle to stay quiet, even if I’m just humming to myself, and how I obsessively collect Star Trek memorabilia! There are worse ways to be, right?! Most recently, an ENT doctor has told me that he suspects FND (Functional neurological Disorder), which again, I’d never heard of. I was telling the doctor about my symptoms and describing how my legs shake uncontrollably, which becomes painful after so long. That’s when he looked at my file, looked up at me, looked back at my file, then back at me, then whilst removing his glasses, looked me in the eye and asked, “May I ask, have you experienced any trauma in your past?”. At that moment, my brain played a reel of some of my worst memories, like a greatest hits reel, in a few seconds. I wanted to blurt everything out to him, but instead, I just replied with, “Erm, yeah, some, yeah”. He then asked if I’d had any recent stress, to which I answered yes again. That’s when he turned to his colleague who’d been stood listening from across the other side of the room and said, “i think we might be looking at FND”. I don’t know much about FND, but the internet describes it like this - “The exact cause of Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) is unknown, but it may be triggered by stress, psychological trauma, or other mental health issues. It occurs when the brain has difficulty sending and receiving signals properly, leading to real physical symptoms without a clear medical cause.” The doctor explained that trauma has been building inside me for years, and my most recent stressful situation has basically been, for want of a better description, the “straw that broke the camels back’. So then I started thinking about everything that’s happened. How do I know which bad experience has contributed to the hell that I’ve been experiencing this year, and why now? I’ve been encouraged to explore this, and that’s what this blog is for. A lot happened in my childhood, but I’m not going to start there. I think I’ll explore that further down the line (god knows how many posts it will take to get there), but for now, I’m going to start at 2011 because I believe that everything that’s responsible for most of this started there. 2011, I was 27 and I’d been made redundant in my job as an assistant youth worker, a job that I loved, and after 9 years in my relationship, I was dumped by text. At the time, I was extremely hurt, angry and confused, but in hindsight, the relationship had gone on for too long. We were forever breaking up and getting back together, like teenagers, so while I didn’t think it at the time, it did me a favour in the long run, but at the time, I was a mess. I’m not going to go into all that had happened, but it hit me hard. Depression took over and I wasn’t even getting out of bed for days at a time, except for the essentials, of course. At the time, I’d been chatting to a guy I’d met in a social group, online. Stuart was older than me and we’d just been friends who spoke every now and then for a few years, but he suddenly started messaging more often. To be honest, it felt odd to be talking to a new guy as a newly single man after 9 years, but I welcomed the distraction. It helped that he was very good looking and seemed like a lovely guy! My memory’s a bit swiss cheesed with all the details, but as I remember it, Stuart came from Leeds to see me one day and once he saw the depression that I was stuck in, he told me to snap out of it and do something that I’d never normally do, to get my zest for life back. “What scares you?”, he asked. “Flying”, I replied. “I’ve never been abroad because I can’t stand the thought of flying!”. With that, he replied, “Right, we’re sorting you a passport ASAP!”. “Why the hell would I do that?”, I asked, and he replied with, “You’re coming to Portugal with me!”. After the shock took hold for 5 seconds, I suddenly felt something that I didn’t expect to feel. Excitement! I couldn’t believe that I was actually excited to fly, instead of feeling terror! I felt a wave of positivity engulf me! A handsome new guy in my life and going abroad for the first time in my life. I was so happy. Nothing could ruin this, but what I didn’t know was, this is where my nightmare was about to begin. *Cue Eastenders theme* - just 'cos, trying to add humour and that. ;-)